Till We Are Home

My wife and I recently discussed some of the comments she receives from other people when she speaks to what life looks like these days after losing our daughter. A lot of people will say things like, “I don’t know how you do it…” or “If that were me, I’d shut down”. We completely understand these words and the thoughts behind them all…we once thought and still think the same things: How can you live your life if “X” is taken away? (My wife recently posted a reel on her Instagram (@backporchlilly) speaking to one such scenario…I encourage you to go and hear what she has to say!)

As my wife and I were discussing these things, it reminded me of another time in our life. We just moved to California from Tennessee to take a job in the Bay Area. It was a time of adventure for our little family getting to explore a new area, especially an area filled with so many beautiful surroundings. Soon after moving to California, we became increasingly aware that her mother (who lived back in Tennessee) may have dementia. Before we left, there were signs pointing to this reality, but we only recognize that now looking back. At the time of our move, we had no idea. 

My wife would return to Tennessee to visit her mother, take her to doctors’ appointments that confirmed the diagnosis, and then help her with various tasks and responsibilities while there. However, it soon became obvious that she could not live on her own anymore and needed help. The only option we knew of was to bring her to California to live with us.

When we moved to California, we were just a normal family with a normal lifestyle (still are). We were not rich and felt even less so once we moved to California – hard to imagine, huh? After selling our home in Tennessee, we now rented a house which ate up most of our paycheck each month. Beyond our finances, we were also a homeschooling family with young children. With my 9-to-5 in the office, living in a fast-paced and expensive area, and my wife needing to care for and provide the daily needs of and a good education for our young children, we thought “how in the world can we take care of Jill’s mom, too?”

By God’s grace, he brought us to California to find a wonderful church in San Jose. Looking back on that time in California, we see just how much the Lord deepened our faith and trust in Him along with loving His church more. We feel all of this was a direct result of being shepherded so well in that local church. We still love and see, from time-to-time, our pastor and his family who helped disciple us during those years. 

One evening at their home after having dinner, we explained all that was going on with Jill’s mom. On their back porch, under a canopy of stars and next to the wood-burning fire among the redwoods of the Santa Cruz hills, they listened to our concerns and provided some of the best counsel we needed to hear at that time that still impacts us today. Look what God’s Word says in Lamentations 3:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. (Lam 3:22-23)

There is so much about this verse, about this passage in the middle of Lamentations that I love dearly. However, it was the truth nestled in the middle of these verses that our pastor wanted us to understand. We cannot imagine how to handle trying and very difficult situations until we are in the middle of them. Why? 

Because God’s mercies for that situation are not yet ours.

God’s mercies for each day come with that day. God’s mercies for situations that He brings only come when He brings those situations. God’s mercies for helping us through hard providences only come when that hard providence comes.

Our pastor shared with us that when the time was right to bring Jill’s mom to come live with us, then the Lord would help us through at that time. Until then, we couldn’t possibly understand how that would go. And, in the end, God did help us through that time when Jill’s mom came to live with us. It was hard, there were a lot of things to navigate through, but God’s goodness helped us through it all.

So, when we lost our little girl and were thrust into a situation that every single parent dreads and fears, we were helped by the mercies that came with each day we faced without her. Looking back at our wedding photos at the couple so young and ignorant of what was to come…looking back at photos of our kiddos’ baby and toddler years, at a couple so blissfully unaware of what heartache would make its way into their lives, those two had no idea how they would handle losing one of the most precious gifts given to them by the Lord. If you would have asked us, we would have said all the same things…there’s no way…no way we could survive such a tragedy.

But God…

We are not meant to look forward in fear. We do not know what tomorrow will bring. We are finite and limited in our knowledge, but we have a God who is infinite, loving, and all-wise. Therefore, we can trust Him with our today and our tomorrow. If we look around and think, “there’s no way we could survive “X” if that happened to me,” your thinking of God is too small. 

I hope you don’t have to face such a loss as we have. I hope you don’t have to face difficult days and trying circumstances. However, we live in a fallen world and sorrows will come. You may not face the same thing as we have; yet, whatever you may face, you can trust that the Lord will be right there to help you with those new mercies that only come when you need them. 

It’s not easy losing one of your sweet and precious children. It’s not easy losing a loved one. But, God comes into the midst of those harrowing circumstances to shine the brightest light into our darkest of days – the light of Himself, His presence, His mercies that are new just for that situation. And, He will continue to do so out of the amazing abundance of His love and goodness for all His children…

Till we are home…