Till We Are Home

Expectations of others can be a killer. Have you ever put expectations on your friends, family, or acquaintances? Sure you have. How did that go? I bet some may have lived up to those expectations because there are some real gems out there who rarely – if ever! – let anyone down. But, mostly I would guess, people just don’t live up to the expectations we can place on them.

Maybe it’s just me, but it’s hard not to expect others to understand what you want or remember what you’ve walked through, especially when you’re in pain. In fact, it may be that we put more on others when we are in seasons of pain than when we are not. It’s like we forget that we’re not the center of the universe because in those seasons, my pain calls out loudly and I can’t “hear” anything else. 

Our pain can come from a variety of places: broken relationships, unmet needs or wants, loss of any kind, shattered dreams, etc. In those times of pain, we become acutely aware of what once was and now will never be. Every moment of that season in our pain becomes amplified. Those times take on a deeper meaning and then become a reminder of that season in later days. Then, in the inevitable reminder of those seasons of pain, when the waves of sorrow come ashore, those reminders of that past hurt sting sharply.

As we experience this, there can be an expectation on others to understand the same thing…to remember the same things we experienced once. Time moves on for all of us. However, our memories of experiences vastly differ if we are the ones directly or indirectly experiencing them. As time lengthens, if you did not directly experience that painful event, likely your memories of it are not as sharp as the one who did.

And here is where the expectations on others can be killer.

How can we expect others to have the same understanding about those reminders of deeper meanings when they did not live through it like we did? It’s unfair of any of us to put unhelpful expectations on others that they should understand ALL the things we experienced in our pain…especially when it’s been some time since that event.

Yet, we sadly can do this. We can unfairly expect others to remember everything we experienced during sharp seasons of pain. And when they don’t, we allow those unmet expectations to lead us to more pain through anger, jealousy, or hurt toward them. 

We need to stop looking to others to salve our hurts. 

It’s not fair to them, and it causes undue pain in our lives as well. Yes, we are called to bear each other’s burdens, but no one else lived the life we’ve lived. No one else knows all that happened to me, how it affected me, and what reminds me (even minutely) of that haunting pain.

No one except our Lord. 

Others have suffered greatly in their lives. The Bible is full of saints of old who endured great sorrows. And the 11^th chapter of Hebrews recounts several of these people who went through difficult challenges. The author of Hebrews commends the faith – given as a gift from the Lord – of these saints…but let’s not forget that their faith was on display because of the difficult roads they were on. 

After remembering their struggles and faith that helped them persevere, Hebrews chapter 12 opens with these wonderful words: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

The saints of old from chapter 11 looked beyond their situation to the Lord. No one else around them would suffice to bring help and comfort for it was not their life to endure. The events of our life have been ordained by God Himself for us to endure (with His grace and help), but they are not given to others around us to live in the same way. So instead of looking to our family or friends or acquaintances to understand our pain, we should be like the saints of old and look to Jesus. 

One, our example is Jesus who endured sorrow not to find comfort in others, but endured sorrow out of obedience with a hope set on something much greater. Two, He knows our sorrow, our shame, our pain, and our losses. He’s carried them for us already and He will continue to do so for the rest of our days (Heb 4:14-16). 

Instead of unfairly expecting others to know all our pain, let us look to Jesus instead and find greater help and comfort that we could possibly imagine. He alone knows our pain…He’s there, He knows, and He cares for us through it all. Keep looking to Him, my friend, for He’s near. He will carry our burdens, and He will continue to do so…

Till we are home…