Till We Are Home

Over the past week or so, our family traveled around Ireland. The cliffs, the mountains, the beauty of Ireland is nothing short of stunning. The splendid and striking landscapes echo the melody of Psalm 19 and incited us to worship the Lord who created such beauty. We are so thankful for the chance to spend time together as a family in such a beautiful land.

For a family who continues to grieve and mourn the loss of our youngest not even three years ago, our family vacation was equal parts joyful and heartbreaking. 

Oh, the streams of sorrow and joy! 

It’s strange to call these getaways ‘family vacations’ because one of our lot is missing. It’s painful for this father’s heart to plan, arrange, schedule, and do simple things like booking hotels or Airbnb’s to house four family members instead of five. These days, we don’t need five seats on the plane…four will do. Yet, we’ve always been (and still are) a family of five.

On our vacation (and often during these past three years), I wonder what would it look like with Izzy among us? There’s no doubt she would love to bound up the incline of Dunmore Head with her brother and sister, hold a baby lamb with mama and sister, and find herself captivated by the story of Dunluce Castle and the area of Giant’s Causeway in the north. Sadly, instead, gone were these experiences and others like giggling late into the night from the girls’ room or precious photos of all three of my beautiful girlies. 

I see her face in pictures from this month three years ago and weep for the beautiful girl we lost…for the moments we’ve lost in amazing family vacations with her.

Even still, while we mourn these lost moments with our sweet girl, I can’t help but be thankful for the wonderful moments gained with my bride and two oldest. 

The Lord has worked “simple” miracles in our life through our loss. Never would I have imagined enjoying even a day if I lost one of my loved ones – this (!) is a simple miracle. Yet, not only has He granted us to enjoy our days, He even blesses us with enjoyment of family vacations again. And this was true for our time away in Ireland.

Though we were not complete, we completely enjoyed our trip together. Though we were not full of five, the four of us were full of joy in His creation. Though we miss our dearest Izzy, we did not miss the blessing of this trip.

I miss my girl so much. And I thought often of her on our trip and wished she was there with us.

But, what I want to communicate most in these words goes to those who have recently lost a child: it’s going to be ok. 

It’s not the same, of course it’s not. But it’s ok…and that’s ok. And, it’s ok to say it’s ok. You’re not betraying your loved one or yourself as their mama or daddy. You’re not saying you don’t miss the heck out of them. You’re not saying you prefer this over the time you had with them. 

If He’s truly good (and He is), and if He’s truly sovereign (and He is), then He has not meant for you to wallow only in your sadness forever. It’s possible to be sad over losing your loved one and be joyful in the good gifts He grants like family (minus one) vacations. And, it’s ok to accept that.

It’s hard…I understand that. And so does He. Bring your sadness to Him, lay that burden at His feet. But, also, bring your thankfulness for happiness again to Him. It looks wildly different than days long ago, but that doesn’t mean it’s not good.

I’m so thankful for the time we had in Ireland. I’m so thankful for my beautiful wife, amazing son, and darling daughter. I’m thankful we had the chance to pull away from the normal hubbub of life here in Texas for a time to enjoy abroad. May the Lord be praised for continuing to work in our hearts and give us good days after and amid such sorrow. 

And that’s ok to say. I’m still so thankful to be Izzy’s daddy. I’m still so thankful for her life and the joy she brought. And, I’m still so sad…so very sad that she’s not here, that I don’t know what she would be like at 17 years old, and that I don’t know what it would have been like with her in Ireland. 

Yet…

Yet, it’s ok to enjoy the days after such loss. Our God is so good and kind. He’s so helpful and strong. And I can praise Him with great joy for gifts like this past week even while I mourn and sob over missing my girl…

Till we are home…