Till We Are Home

Oh, the ups and downs of grief! One minute the Lord helps me find hope in the midst of my grief, the next a wave hits me with sorrow. Through both swings, the Lord is near. For that, I’m thankful.

I believe the following is true for anyone who loses a loved one, but especially for those who lose a child. At some holidays in the past like Christmas or Thanksgiving, I found myself watching other families leave church with all their kids in tow, heading home or to travel to Grandma’s to celebrate. Passing by a father with a young daughter on a walk through a park. Or like what happened just now, looking at a picture of my niece who was younger than my Izzy but now looks more mature. 

Some days I look at others’ lives as if I am seeing their life in a snow globe.

Pick up a snow globe. Settings of cities with all their best buildings and features, retreat spaces that speak of rest and harmony, faraway lands that signal hope and adventure. Idyllic scenes beckon you to dream of the perfection you desire and remind you of the great joys within that sphere. It’s a picture of perfection complete within your grasp. 

Yet, that picture of perfection won’t be mine again. Other families with their snow globe celebrations and feasts without a pang of sorrow or an empty chair. Their snow globe enjoyment of life’s good and simple gifts with all of their children. The snow globe joy of watching their youngest grow up into adulthood. Even their snow globe children having all their siblings to laugh with, goof around with, annoy, complain about, and all the other wonderful interactions together. 

I know it’s not true. No family is perfect. We all deal with a myriad of issues and pains and sorrows. But sometimes I just feel like we received a gigantic blow that will always be with us…and…well…it just sucks to continue to feel this pain. And when I look all around me, there aren’t too many others like us. No one would look at our life and want what we have. Our snow globe would be rejected and left on the shelf.

Days come when this wave of sorrow hits you out of the blue. Holidays, seasons, upcoming birthdays, social media posts, on and on. These situations arise and it hits you out of nowhere to remind you of the one you lost as you look upon that picture of perfection in the snow globe before you. 

I don’t begrudge anyone, any family the enjoyment of the good gifts the Lord gives. Not at all.

At the end of the day, as I’ve said several times, I just miss my little girl. I miss a life without deep struggles. I know I’m not promised even one good day in a world wrecked by sin. But still…it’s hard. And I think it will be that mix of joy and sorrow all my days…

Till we are home…