Till We Are Home

Last week we decorated our Christmas tree. Egg nog poured into Christmas mugs, flavored popcorn and white fudge covered Oreos on plates and Behold the Lamb of God by Andrew Peterson playing in the background. We set about the task of decorating our tree in our 3^rd Advent season since losing Izzy. We have separate boxes for our ornaments, one for each kiddo, one for mama and daddy, even one for our Harry Potter ornaments and another for various tree decor. 

That first Christmas we did not decorate our home except for a new tree that reminded us of Izzy, so none of the ornaments were put up that year. Last year, the 2^nd Christmas, we put up a tree but we didn’t put up Izzy’s ornaments…it was too hard. This, year, though, we opened up her box to hang some of her ornaments that haven’t been touched since she put them up her last Christmas. 

Ornaments can be bittersweet for all of us, I think. Sweet reminders of years’ past, but bitter as well to realize how much time has passed since and how much older the kiddos are getting. Bitter, too, because sometimes those ornaments are from loved ones who are no longer here to celebrate like grandparents, parents, friends, and even youngest daughters. 

Last night, I felt that deep reality…that tension of parallel streams of joy and sorrow. I’m thankful to Tim Challies for giving voice to this reality in his writings because since we’ve lost our daughter, this picture captures the weird experience of life after a sorrowful event. There is real sorrow as I miss my little girl and our family of 5 all taking time to hang ornaments on the tree…but there is also real joy in today – though she is gone – to continue a tradition in a new way and with the ones I love together tackling this very hard task. 

One of Job’s friends said to him that, “man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward.” (Job 5:7) The Lord opened my eyes to this verse very early on after losing Isabel…it’s a verse that has oddly comforted me because it basically says that we all will experience difficulties and trouble, so we are not alone when we do. None of us are exempt from feeling the effects of the fall in the world. Trouble will come. Even trouble in the somewhat innocuous activity of decorating a Christmas tree. 

So, because we live in this fallen world, I will experience sorrow when decorating my Christmas tree. How could I not? Isabel was a precious daughter of mine – is a precious daughter of mine. The joys of decorating Christmas trees with her, with the 5 of us, will ALWAYS be missed and I will be sad about that.

And that…

is…

ok.

It’s ok to be sad about such beautiful people and activities and even seasons of life that are now gone. It’s ok to be sad as I hang her Frozen ornaments. It’s ok to be sad as I watch my family react to this, too. 

But for those of us hurting at this time of year, it’s also ok to take joy. 

To take joy in the fact that I have such sweet and loving memories of her and the 5 of us. To take joy in the present-day joy of hanging ornaments with my wife who is not battling cancer this Christmas. To take joy in the present-day joy of hanging ornaments with my son and oldest daughter who are delighting in memories brought on of their younger days. To take joy that the Lord is gracious and kind to let us do this seemingly innocuous activity with BTLOG playing in the background and egg nog and snacks upon our taste buds. 

Because this seemingly innocuous activity is a fight against the darkness that wants to take us under. Sorrow can try to be debilitating…debilitating to the point where you don’t do anything anymore because it is just too hard. So we hang ornaments on our Christmas tree as a testimony.

A testimony that it is the Lord who is near.

We hang that Batman ornament high on the tree to testify about the Lord who is our shelter.

That Raggedy Ann is hung to strike out and remind us of our Christ who is our Light against a sorrow that won’t win. 

That sorrow is here, for now, alongside those real joys…but it won’t always be here. One day, “He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth, for the Lord has spoken.” (Isa 25:8) One day these tears of sorrow will be wiped away by my God and this stream of sorrow will be dried up…in its place will freely flow a great stream of joy alone.

But until then, both joy and sorrow will flow side-by-side, and laughter and tears will come…and we will keep trusting in Him who is our light…

Till we are home…